Marathon Training

About a month ago I took it upon myself to put my name in as a contestant in the Boston marathon. These are the journals of my training.

Day one of my training: I began the day way every great person has ever begun anything great...I ate breakfast. I woke up bright and early at 1130 and fought back the sleepiness as I headed to the kitchen to pour myself a cup of ambition. But the ambition carton was empty so I drank prune juice. For breakfast, I had a hearty glass of 5 raw egg yolks. Then after I puked those up, I went to Denny's. After breakfast, the logical next step is to stretch. Now stretching is extremely important when you're going to be doing alot of physical activity. A lot of people take it lightly but I am pride myself in being extremely thorough in my stretching, so I stretched for 45 minutes or so and then I thought that was about enough arm circles for now and then eventually drove over to the gym and I decided that I'd start it off easy. Maybe I'd begin with 8 miles on the stationary bike and then run 4 miles on the treadmill. I promise you, I was really working up a lather on that stationary bike. It felt like those pedals were absolutely flying. I must've been going 30 miles an hour, and apparently a screw of some kind fell off and caused the bike to become unstationary and I pedaled right through a window.

Day two of my training: I decided to take the day off from training in lieu of the tragic end of day one's training.

Day three of my training: I wrote a stern letter to the company that makes those bikes. Then after mulling it over for a while, I decided that it was probably best if I just ran. So I took off and just ran and ran and ran and ran and ran, and once I was at the end of my drive way my shoe came untied. Well you know how it is, once you've stopped, it's hard to get back going. So a few minutes and a quadruple knot later, I'm back and ready to run. So I'm running along and I see my friend, Paul out running. Paul's a runner so I asked him what I could do to prepare for this marathon. And he told, "Well to tell you the truth you're at a disadvantage because of your naturally broad shoulders and cast iron calves causing you to be wind resistant". Naturally I was upset, but this wasn't the end of my journey by a long shot. No, the end of my journey was about five minutes later. It really wasn't the the calves or the glass lodged in places I hadn't thought about in years. I just kind of got bored. But recently I found a running video game. It's pretty terrific. You tap a button real fast to make them run. It's a real workout though.

Spring Cleaning

Spring is springing or sprung is spring...anyway winter's over and it's time for some spring cleaning. I started today by cleaning out my bedroom closet and frankly even I couldn't believe some of the stuff I found. We're talking about treasures from my boyhood, legos, trucks, my bedazzler. I even found an old wrestling trophy that I won in third grade. Well...I should say it was a 3rd grade tournament but I was in 7th grade. I was a late bloomer. I drank coffee. Upon digging a little deeper into the closet I was shocked to find a ghoulish looking dead body. As glad as I was it turned out to not be an actual dead body, it was a real blow to the self esteem when I realized I was looking at a mirror. Man...I really get pale in the winter. But next to the mirror was my friend Bobby, from when I was 7. I guess we were playing hide and seek and eventually I stopped looking, but Bobby kept hiding. He had been surviving off some old jack-o-lanterns and halloween candy I had been storing in their also. Mostly saltwater taffy and Bit-O-Honeys. Then I stumbled upo the entire series of the hit 80's sitcom Cheers which I had recorded on 29 VHS tapes over a course of 4 years on Nick at Nite. 3 weeks after that, it came out on DVD. Upon searching a little further I stumbled upon my self respect. Wammo! Hahahahaha...no seriously. Then in the furthest point in the way back of the closet was the band Sugar Ray.